When work feels like you're lost in the woods... Being still and our emotional 101
Ah transitions, transition!
This week I have been in what seems to be the experience of a deeper awareness of this important transition I am making by walking into this next season where I will earn my keep by offering therapy in my private practice. No more bosses, staff meetings, and having a "salary"... instead of doing a "striping down to basics" way of offering a service and having people think I am good enough for them to "purchase" time with me! Oh my...
Have you ever had those kinds of moments? The ones where you know that the decision you're making represents a more authentic or a step in that direction... BUT... you have to manage the change that this transition might entail. We all want the change but might not "want" the growth.
Read on to get a tidbit on how to better manage and make better decisions at work or in your personal life.
How do you react when you are facing change?
We all have our specific way of reacting to life changes and often we might think the new challenges will overwhelm us. This is where being still can be more productive than trying to use distractions as a way of coping.
Have you ever been in such a moment?
A moment where you choose to have the courage to make a vulnerable shift that re-calibrates the way you lead your life. One that reflects your values and reduces the gap between "who you are" and "who you wish" you would be. It's funny how we are made, we all have our blend of dealing with change and we all have our own experience in doing so. When I fear something, I tend to dig deep and muster up every ounce of courage I have to overcome whatever obstacle that prevents me from being who I want to be. After months of hard work and preparation, it seems all that's left for me to do is wait....which can feel a bit disconcerting. So this morning I got up and did what I do best when I feel like I "should" be doing something but know that making space for stillness in my life is a better way to be intentional and commit to what needs to be done. We all have our ways of "taking a moment" and trying to capture whatever bit of wisdom we can. My moment of choice to let this said wisdom "soak in" often comes when I bike. So that's what I ended up doing at the top of my "to-do" list. It's my way to be intentional and wait on the process rather than make a rash decision.
Why would "being still" help you to move forward?
Most of us think moving forward is...well moving forward! But living in this fast-paced life trying to do our best impression of multitasking we end up having a bunch of uncompleted tasks or projects. This is where being able to better manage those "sit still" moments comes into play. But what if your tendency is more akin to a human DOING instead of a human BEING? What next Mr. Therapist?! How can I let "wisdom soak in" when I have a million items on my "to-do" list!!
Well, like most therapists out there I would say that there is no definite answer! But there's a logic we can establish together and a few guideposts that can help diminish the "feeling stuck" experience. The first of many suggestions (not ought to but rather choose to), is to let the "still" moments give you a space of calm and peace. What robs you of calm and peace? (If we're honest about what isn't robbing us of those... that's right, I am looking at you Mr. Smartphone!!). We might not realize but not a lot of moments are spent in true silence with only our thoughts and us practicing our ability to sit in silence and truly reap the benefit from not engaging with every thought that pops into our minds.
A great next step in understanding what is included in stillness is to consider the following quote:
“All of humanity’s problems stem from a human’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone”
If you cross reference this quote, this shows a difficulty transcending time because Pascal was a philosopher in the 1600s, and I believe it still rings true today. How can we break it down into smaller and more applicable chunks? I believe spending time in silence and being still helps gain the perspective necessary for optimum gain at home and work. Having accessibility is key but it can be a bit unnerving at the beginning of your stillness practice… Even the best of us have difficulty sitting in a room in stillness. Some might say that our thoughts become a bit louder when are in stillness. So, let’s start with one step in the right direction: Identify your emotions and tolerate them in stillness before engaging with your day.
This step may be difficult at first because our tendency is to keep doing something to distract from the loudness of our thoughts. May I suggest the first tidbit...
Let's give our emotions a test drive!
Identify your emotions:
This is where we take a moment and ask ourselves "How am I feeling?" (Insert therapist nod here)
Here, you might want to get accustomed to the 6 basic emotions: Fear, Anger, Sadness, Joy, Disgust and Surprise.
Regarding the crossroads between emotional management and relational management, I keep things as simple as I can. So for this exercise, I use Fear, Anger, Sadness, and Joy. This might be simple but it sure isn't easy to do at first (Most people I suggest this exercise to become frustrated at me for realizing how much they've ignored their emotions). This is part of the loudness of thoughts in our stillness practice.
As our first exercise let's try the following:
I like to set aside 10 minutes in the morning before the typical morning rush. I write in my “Daily check-in” journal and anchor my day.
Once I choose to write, I ask myself the following question:
A) How do I feel right at this moment?
B) Why do I feel this way and what was the situation that started this feeling?
I have to see emotions as data that stem from a starting point that can be external (ex: crunch time at work, or difficulties with a loved one) or internal (ex: a difficult memory from my past or imagine a scenario where I have a negative self-image) and use a healthy dose of non-judgement and self-compassion in the exploring of said emotion.
As learning emotional intelligence isn’t a dominating part of our school curriculums or even spoken about in our families of origin. I want to encourage you to be intentional and ask yourself as many times a day as you need (vs feel like) to identify these 4 basic emotions: Sad, Joy, Mad, or Fear. Chances are there will be a combination of two or more but try and focus on the more prevalent one.
(Am I Sad? Do I feel Joy? Am I Angry? Do I have Fear?)
Let’s meet again in our next post by looking at better tolerating emotions :)
Keep pushing forward,
Louis-Philippe Landry, MA, RP, CCC.
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